things i'm NOT taking with me to australia.

self doubt.

anxiety.

disappointment.

hate.

FEAR.

unwillinglyness.

laziness.

doubt.

worries.

expectations.

lies.

distrust.

none of these things will be packed in my suitcase this week.

“…I’ve come to believe that there exists in the universe something I call “ThePhysics of The Quest” – a force of nature governed by laws as real as the laws gravity or momentum. And the rule ofQuest Physics maybe goes like this: “If you are brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting (which can be anything from your house to your bitter old resentments) and set out on a truth-seeking journey (either externallyor internally), and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue, and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher, and if you are prepared – most of all – to face (and forgive) some very difficult realities about yourself….then truth will not be withheld from you.” Or so I’ve come to believe.”

learning.

i'm starting to think that God has a million little lessons he wants us to learn each day.

while my faith isn't exactly where i'd like it to be, i still believe that i'm growing closer to God each day.

this summer at SSP our theme is GROW.

what does that mean? how can we be growing each day?

i've come to believe that we ARE growing each day, even if it's in the smallest ways.

each day there are moments that challenge us, whether for a second or for a few hours. we may not even realize that the moment is happening, but it is. in those moments we are challenged on how we are going to respond to the situation, and each day, we learn HOW we are going to respond to them. we learn that some days we respond better than others, but in those decisions we grow. whether it's learning from bad choices or rejoicing in the right, we are growing as people and as believers, and i believe that i am growing every day.

i don't always know the right decision to make, but each day i learn and grow from them.

a wise counselor told me on tuesday

"you can't choose your reality, but you can choose how you respond to it"

i couldn't agree more. from our reactions to reality we grow, and it's my hope that through our hopes for ourselves and for eachother that we continue to grow.

i'm not entirely sure if this post makes sense, i'm in serious need of coffee and food, but i do believe that growth is happening for myself and my staff and that is something to rejoice in today.

"love keeps no record of wrongs but instead rejoices in the right."

remember God keeps no record of our wrong decisions but instead rejoices in our right ones.

changes.

diet day 1.

lets see how this goes.

i do know one thing.

i may not know where i'm going or what i'm going to do.

i may have no direction whatsoever.

i may not always be super happy or know what the heck is going on.

i may not even be able to tell you what i'm going to wear tomorrow or what i'm going to eat for dinner.

but i do know one thing.

i love my life.

proverbs 16:9

confession?

i haven't been going to church lately. there's no sob story or epic reason why, just something blocking me from going. i know i should just get over it and go, but i haven't been able to, and i guess im trusting there's a reason. but what i have found is that God is ministering to me whether or not i go to church. (but thats a whole other blog.)

today through unexpected means i came across a verse that as resonated with me throughout the day.

"in his heart a man plans his course,

but the Lord determines his steps."

proverbs 16:9

i can have my life all planned out in my heart. i can know what i want, where i want to go, and when i want to fall in love. but that doesn't mean that's the plan God has for me. i believe God knows the desires of my heart, i've made them quite clear over the past few months, but i believe that God has his own timeline. i can sit here and pray every night and know in my heart certain ways i would like my heart to go, but it is God that will provide the steps to make that happen. and as much as i would like to wake up tomorrow morning and take off sprinting towards my heart, God knows that there are about 700 hurdles that not only i cannot see but that i am also not prepared to jump. and so everyday, i feel the Lord preparing me. getting me ready for the desires of my heart, the adventures i wish to take with my life. but if you've met me for longer than 30 seconds you know my patience level is about a zero! im restless. chomping at the bit, ready to take off after all the things i long for and yet, i'm nowhere near the race yet. and so find myself every day running in circles, striving for all the things i'm missing and want to complete me and make me ready for this new journey but i'm still not ready, i'm still not on God's timeline. and it is so FRUSTRATING.

so i find ways to take refuge:

"for i know the plans I have for you, says the Lord,

plans for welfare and not for evil

to give you a future and a hope."

jeremiah 29:11

"be strong and let your heart take courage,

all you who wait for the Lord."

psalms 31:24

"be still in the presence of the Lord,

and wait patiently for him to act."

psalms 37: 7

but honestly, waiting is hard. but i know, i just KNOW, it's worth it. it has to be. matters of the Lord always are.

"do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. and the pece of God, which transcends all understanding, will keep your hearts and your minds in christ jesus."

philippians 4:6-7

the compulsion of love is joy.

the compulsion of love is joy.

if i try to renounce the pursuit of my own joy to love someone else, i ruin all chances of loving them.

follow your bliss.

over a week ago i bought a new ring that simply says "follow your bliss" and i immediately fell in love with it. however i didn't really understand what it meant, and maybe i still don't but i think now i at least have a better idea.

a lot times in life we run around saying yes to everything. we'll say yes to volunteering for our church when we're busy, we'll say yes to hanging out with an old friend even when we don't have the time, we'll say yes to dinners out when we don't have the money, to extra projects when we're overbooked, to plans when we wish we were doing something else, to failed relationships, to hurtful people, to desserts when we swore we wouldn't. truth is we say YES a lot of the time when what we really should/want to be saying is NO. and sometimes that's good for us. we need to push ourselves to get out of our daily routine and do something different and experience new things. but sometimes the right thing to do is to say no. but when you spend your life saying yes all the time, its hard to remember there's another answer.

i like to say yes. a lot. i'd rather say yes than anything else. and to avoid saying no, i'll offer up a maybe or an alternative idea. i find myself saying i dont care or doesn't matter to me rather than just saying no. i am a girl of yes and i don't really know any different. :) the thing that i ultimately realized though is that sometimes we need to say no. and even if we're too caught up in someone else's feelings or our own convictions, saying no can still be the right thing to do. and while it's easy for me to sit here and write this, i can't say that this is something i personally practice. so what i've learned is that sometimes God says no for me. how does that work? well sometimes there are things in my life that don't ultimately bring me happiness or are hurting me, even if i can't see it. and then all of a sudden it hits me. i realize why my prayers aren't being answered like i want, or why things don't work out or why it's just not making sense. God is saying no for me. but why?

well i think ultimately God wants us to follow our own bliss, but often times we ourselves are the only thing blocking us from it. so God says no to the hurtful things to our lives, and then waits for us to realize how much happier we can be. God has been saying no a lot for me lately, and while it has been frustrating i think i finally get it. if i honestly asked myself if any of the things he's taken from me were making me feel blissful or happy i'd have to say NO. and being consumed by them was not allowing me to follow my bliss. God has been saying no when i couldn't, just so i could find my own happiness, not someone else's. :)

so follow your bliss, and know that God wants that same bliss for you and will help you say no, even if you can't always see it.